The Bad Dragon Sleipnir is probably my favorite dildo right now. Let’s get that out of the way. If you’re the tl;dr type, and this shape and texture look appeals to you, stop now and go buy one. Then come back here and let me regale you a tale of 1990’s shock porn, horse dicks in the Bible, and a few decent puns.
I was in high school when we got the Internet. It didn’t take long for shock porn to be shared via e-mail. Those two girls and their cup and that girl in the tub followed in the steps of bikini-clad and often topless women jerking off horses on short .avi clips that were sent via e-mail. You had to watch them in order in a video player program to see more than a few seconds at a time. My mom, drunk, would open these e-mails, point and say “You gotta see this! Oh my God what the hell?” followed by cackling laughter. Yeah, my mom showed me shock porn when I was a teenager.
So, rather than let it occur to me why horse beastiality is a fetish or a thing, I internalized that shame. It might have also been reading the book of Ezekiel during a fundamentalist religious phase. I decided I didn’t want the least bit of anything to do with horse dicks – not understand what the big deal was, put my fingers in my ears when people talked about equine husbandry – none of it. Of course, today I know that fantasy is fantasy and that not everyone likes human-looking dildos. I’m one of those people. I like interesting shapes and textures. When I saw the Bad Dragon Sleipnir, I knew I had to have it, but it felt especially indulgent. Regardless, I bought it.
If you are unfamiliar with Norse mythology, Sleipnir is Odin’s 8-legged horse, whom Loki gave birth to after transforming into a mare and being impregnated by Svaðilfari (don’t ask me to pronounce that). I love Bad Dragon’s take on what’s essentially the penis of a horse god. It’s girthy, textured, and the flare head really makes this toy something special.
Sleipnir is one the few products Bad Dragon makes in five sizes: mini, small, medium, large, and extra-large. Going on measurements alone, I decided the mini would be the best option for me. I chose the firmest silicone so I can feel all those wonderful ridges as well as this lovely sky blue color. Consider the diameter measurements when selecting the size right for you.
If you’re not familiar with Bad Dragon, their “firm” silicone is still a bit squishy, but does allow for more of the detail of their gorgeous toys to be felt. These toys are made-to-order, so it takes 2 weeks or so to make them before they ship. They will ship all items in your order together, by the way, so don’t expect an in-stock item to arrive before your custom orders are finished pouring.
The base of the toy is thick and provides me something to hang onto, which I need. For me, this is great for both clenching and thrusting. It’s stout, unlike a lot of horse-inspired molds that focus on length. The curve holds true with the firm silicone. Insertion feels different from anything else I own, because of the unique, flared head. It’s not a gentle, sloping knock at the door. Sleipnir says “You want to fuck a horse god? We are fucking. Right now. I am in you!” Then that horse god makes a bee line for your G-spot while the ridges and rumbles sing Led Zeppelin’s “Immigrant Song” to your selected orifice, which I’m certain is what plays on a 24 hour loop in Asgard every third Saturday. Indeed, orgasms are so intense, 8 legs might be required to hold your shuddering body still as you sing along, crying “Valhalla I am coming!”
Carrie has been traveling on business lately, so I don’t have his specific words for you. I could quote their gutteral, pleasured moans at being fucked by Sleipnir who took over my body in an unbridled night of passion, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t English.
There is another unique thing this toy does. It’s an orifice squeegee. The Bad Dragon Sleipnir will remind you that you are mortal by scraping any remaining period mucous from your vaginal walls or santorum from your rectum, even with a condom. You have been warned. Expect it. Have some towels or a Liberator Throe on any surface and be ready for clean-up. And you will accordingly queef or fart afterwards, so take that into consideration, too.
As far as cat-hair attraction, this silicone is more of a glossy matte. It’s not too bad, but I recommend a storage bag or just keep it in the plastic one provided. To clean, you can use soap and water and sanitize by boiling, 10% bleach, or the dishwasher.
We both thoroughly enjoyed this impulse buy, and I highly recommend it if you’re looking for a non-human dildo with lots of sensation. I only have one regret, and that’s being cheap. I recommend you add the optional suction cup so you can ride this noble steed into the sunset!