Confession: I just can’t today 1

The Holidays are a hard time of year for me, and today has been overwhelmingly difficult. I just can’t today. I’m sorry.

I had this beautiful, hilarious post for you last night, but when I went to save the draft, an error occurred and the entire thing was lost. I wanted to recreate it, but I just can’t today.

Before that, my sister revealed she didn’t directly tell me about my mom’s hospitalization because my mom is angry with me and told her not to. I want to believe that mothers don’t hurt their children on purpose, that we’re not officially estranged, and that there’s a way to fix it. But I just can’t today.

I have customer orders to deliver. I have hostesses I need to coach. I have something I need to mail to a team mate’s customer. I just can’t today.

Church was full of chaos as most of us had parts in the Christmas program. There was a big potluck afterwards. I wanted to sing along and worship and share a meal, while fighting off the thoughts of ending it in the family bathroom. Carrie¬†mercifully brought me home. My daughter wants to try to make her mommy happy. I just can’t today.

Carrie¬†and I had an argument that came to a head this weekend. When I needed to talk over my emotions, they were shut down and my spouse dominated the conversation. We haven’t had sex lately, and I know they’ve been wanting to do a scene, but how can I dominate when I’m feeling so fractured and directionless? I just can’t today.

I’d love to be downstairs, helping set up the tree and wrapping presents to the Christmas songs on the radio and having a cup of cheer. I just can’t today.

Please excuse me. I just can’t today.

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