Confession: I Don’t Like Realistic Dildos


I’m not a fan of realistic sex toys. There. I said it. I admit it. If a sex toy looks like a human dick, it does nothing for me. The Adam O2, Vixen Bandit, porn star dick replicas and the like just don’t turn me on. I’ve started to ask myself why, and wanted to articulate my thought process on that.

I think dicks are, well, ugly. They’re not very attractive to me. I remember being a freshman in high school hearing a story about a girl who wanted to put lipstick on her boyfriend’s penis because she didn’t like the way it looked, and once I finally saw one, I totally understood her perspective. I had a shitty sex education. Half-ass diagrams don’t equate to real life.  I’m not sure if that’s entirely it, though, because I know plenty of cis-women who grew up in religious households who had the same education I did who think cocks are perfectly lovely to look at or who want realistic dildos in their sex toy collections. Why don’t I?

I’m a sapiosexual. If you can properly turn me on via written communication – text or e-mail flirting – or carry on a respectful conversation about philosophy, religion, politics, music, or art, chances are I’ll do something sexual with you regardless what’s between your legs. Cock is not a requirement for my orgasm, but when I’m with a partner, an intellectual connection or mutual respect are. I need a human connection. Realistic toys don’t do that. So why do other toys turn me on but not realistic dildos?

Realistic dildos (along with other “realistic” adult products) are often racist. Colors always seem to be flesh (Caucasian), caramel (accompanied by a sombrero on the box), and chocolate (complete with reference to size). This is racist, y’all. Flesh color is a very wide range of shades, not just Caucasian. Calling white-toned dicks “flesh” but referring to any other shades as food is humanizing one while dehumanizing the others. If you’re going for a metaphor, it better be consistent. I understand that having 3 basic shades is cost effective. Even Tantus does that – but you know what they don’t do? They don’t consider the lightest shade flesh, and they don’t make inappropriate cultural or racist references for the other shades. Other companies are careful about this, too. It’s not hard to be a responsible non-racist citizen of the world.

A toy doesn’t have to look like not-dick for me to want to try it, though. I just got in a bunch of Bad Dragon toys that are unmistakably phallic. I am intrigued by Bound. It’s not your average cock, and it includes non-human rope detail which just looks like awesome textured goodness to me. The Vixen Mustang comes in a gorgeous tie-dye color. They don’t look like they’re trying to imitate a person.

I believe many industry big wigs are misogynists and literally view the dildo as a way to vicariously penetrate women of all shapes, sizes, and orientations. Much like mainstream, unethical porn producers view women in their films as a way for men to vicariously rape them, it’s not impossible to imagine the nearly infinite number of phallic, veiny, headed sex products are the result of the false belief that all women should have cock bring them to orgasm. I’m sure these days there are more women in product development, but how many women do we know experience internalized sexism? You have to in order to be a woman who works at Pipedream, or any of the other big corporations that continue to produce porous, toxic toys.

I just don’t buy into the idea that the penis was the be-all, end-all of orgasm. When it was clear in my late teens and early 20’s that fingers and tongues on my clitoris were preferred, I kind of gave up on the whole penis thing, except when it came to my self worth. I worried I was gay for a while (like I said, I grew up with shitty sex ed). Eventually I did learn to orgasm during penetration, but I could take it or leave it. It’s only been in the last couple years that I’ve started to explore vaginal masturbation and orgasm, and that’s almost entirely with devices and dildos that don’t look like human cock. Penis-in-vagina sex is not the end-all, be-all of sex.

As Harry and I have come to find out, not even male-female marriages need to consist of PIV sex. It took years to get over the pretense. The assumption that’s how married couples have sex nearly ruined our marriage. Sometimes one of us will get the idea that would be a fun thing for the night, and I almost always orgasm when we do it that way, but I could still take it or leave it. Once we let go of goal-oriented sex, there were even times where I could provide him with multiple prostate orgasms and we would both be satisfied with that. My sexuality is not tied to PIV sex, and I can have lots of sex without it.

Don’t get me wrong. I love G-spot orgasms. I do NOT, however, need a traditional penis shape and color to do so. I enjoy interesting shapes, textures, and vibration. Harry has even been able to use my own erectile tissue to produce a blended orgasm during oral sex. I love fingers. I’ve used G-spot stimulants to sensitize the area. I just don’t believe the penis is necessary or is the perfect shape for my body, and there are so many more interesting innovations for internal stimulation out there.  I mean, for real, dragon dicks are a thing, y’all!

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If realistic sex toys are your thing, this is in no way meant to deter you. It’s simply my thought process. There are plenty of reviewers who review dongs that look like real cocks. I’m just not one of them.

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