Confession: Hotel Pay Per View Porn on Our Honeymoon


Carrie and I met on the Internet and fell in love at a distance. About the time they proposed, I’d landed a job 600 miles away from my hometown. Since it paid well and their field was more in demand, we decided to move to a city new to the both of us. We threw our wedding together only 4 months after the engagement. I was a single mom at the time. Due to distance and short notice on the nuptials, family was unavailable to look after my then 5-year-old son while we honeymooned. Besides, I was eager for our new family to build happy memories together, so we took a family vacation instead! What could go wrong?

We headed to Southern California to visit Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm, Medieval Times, and the beach. Carrie’s parents gave us a Visa gift card for just a bit more than the hotel would cost as our wedding gift. We’d selected an Embassy Suites where we’d have a door to our own bedroom. The first night, since the gift card had more on it than the room rate for the week, we decided we’d check out the hotel pay per view options, have a bit to drink, and see where the night took us. We’d never watched porn together before.

I’ll admit we didn’t know better. Trapped in patriarchal culture and weeaboo tendencies, we settled on an Asian mainstream gonzo flick called Hook-Ups 7: Eastern Import Edition. If that’s not a problematic title, I don’t know what is. (It took hours to triangulate the title by quotes, race, year we watched it, and body piercings.)

The idea was to pair porn stars for a hook-up outdoors, for some reason. Before they get down to banging, the women say how excited they are and do a little strip tease or whatever. I remember for the girl-girl scene one of them kept repeating the word “FACE” in like she was saying it in all caps – “I’m going to cum. All over. Her. FACE!” To this day, I can’t hear someone say “In your FACE!” without giggling, because it was absolutely ridiculous, and there was no actual female cumming on anyone’s face.

The first scene is a hetero pairing, and we start talking about positions and whatnot. Then, the “lesbian” scene. This was incredibly hot and involved a glass dildo, a pierced clit, and squirting. This did it for us, so I don’t really remember what the middle scenes were. We were too busy having drunken awkward craptastic sex with a 5-year-old in the next room trying to keep it down.

By the final scene we’re so over our own performances and ready & willing to laugh at someone else. This flick delivered. She was mousy and unremarkable, and he was Rocksteady from TMNT.

Rocksteady

Seriously, the guy’s fucking style was ‘roid rage. He bent her in all sorts of shapes and pounded her like he was trying to shove his tiny balls up her ass. Except, they didn’t quite reach that far and if he’d actually tried he could have shoved his entire package inside her vag if someone on the set had bothered to provide them with lube. She feebly made attempts at feigning enjoyment while he grunted instructions at her. Finally, it was time for the money shot, but he was having trouble finishing. He grunted angrily at her and finally growled “FASTERRR!!”

We. Lost. It. There had never been anything so corny porny hilarious in all the history of anything as this moment right here. I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard! This became the inside joke to end all inside jokes. Only a few in our friend circle know what is so guffaw-inducing as a low, growling “FASTERRR!!” Can’t get the top off the pickle jar? “FASTERRR!!” Slow jerk in the fast lane? “FASTERRR!!” Kids watching Sonic X? “FASTERRR!!”

Finally, after many evident edits, he finally unleashed his…trickle. Apparently, steroids not only shrink your balls but what drizzles out of them, too. The poor starlet had to get underneath him to land any of it on her face. It was just the saddest cumshot you’ve ever seen.

What was intended as a family vacation turned into a Griswold-style nightmare by the next night. We’d booked dinner at the restaurant inside the Pirates of the Caribbean ride – our personal fave. Then the bill came. In my haste to put a wedding together, I’d forgotten to send in the credit card payments, and what was left in the bank was not enough. The 3rd card was the charm, as that one hadn’t quite hit the deadline for being shut off, but it was near its limit, and I sweated leaving a tip.

Returning to the hotel at 1am, the front desk told us our card on file had been declined. Oh. Fuck. We verified charges. We frantically called Carrie’s parents in the middle of the night. I feared the worst – their very Catholic parents were about to find out I had tempted their oldest into watching the devil on screen! The hotel let me stay in the room with my sleeping son while Carrie went to sort things out. Finally, they returned. This is how we learned how credit card holds work at hotels. Their parents weren’t going to find out about the porn. While relieved, I don’t think we had sex the rest of the honeymoon.

Years later, while having a drink and telling stories with Carrie’s mom, I related the “FASTERRR!!” story and my nightmarish panic she’d find out what we’d done when the gift card had been declined. She could only laugh until she could hardly breathe. Finally, she caught her breath and said “We didn’t care! What did you think the extra on the card was for? In-room porno and room service the next morning – you were on your honeymoon!”

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