We call them bach parties. No matter how happy we are for the bride, deep, deep, down behind our eerily happy Stepford Wives smiles, beneath The Secret masks of positivity, we steel ourselves at the mention of them. Usually, we’re contacted by the maid of honor. Here are 10 reasons we hate bachelorette parties. Or, at least, the reasons I do.
1. You book us for entertainment.
Let’s get this out of the way first. We work on 100% commission. Just like your realtor cousin. We are not there to entertain you. We are there to make money. If you wouldn’t ask your realtor cousin to come over and juggle for free, don’t call us to come over and entertain you. Yes, these parties are fun and entertaining, but we’re not performance artists. If we charge an entertainment deposit, don’t argue about what the website says. Sales presentation parties are free. Being your entertainment is not.
2. You book us at the last minute.
The guests haven’t been told not to bring outside gifts. They brought stuff off her Target registry with them. We know it’s probably for entertainment and play “Not it!” behind your back until some desperate-for-the-tropical-vacay leader takes her chances when she couldn’t book your night or, more often, the hot potato goes to some newbie who has no idea what she’s about to deal with.
4. It’s a surprise for the bride.
This is usually when the bride is not old enough to drink, not allowed to go to a strip club, or would have been too embarrassed to attend this kind of party if she knew about it beforehand. We hate that shit. She hates that shit. Stop it. It’s awkward, and we could be doing a party for someone who wants one, not someone who blushes at shaving cream! You want entertainment but you balk at my $50 hold fee. You claim everyone will buy, but it’s my big fat whatever wedding and grandma or auntie in the corner can’t believe she’s seeing what she’s seeing and is praying for our souls. This goes along with…
3. Bachelorettes who shouldn’t be getting married.
Your bride is uncomfortable with her own sexuality and is 19 years old. She later admits to me she’s never masturbated. Ever. I don’t care if she’s pregnant. She doesn’t even know herself! She shouldn’t be having sex, much less getting married! I just want to tell these girls they don’t need a man to take care of or define them, and that getting married won’t fix their relationship problems, because they don’t know enough about life and no one cares enough about them to tell them this. Don’t book us. It’s just sad.
4. You hire male strippers.
You don’t book enough time for us to finish taking orders, so that they show up right after we’ve gotten the lap boards from the blatant non-buyers. Now everyone else wants to be cheap and tries to pay with $100 bills and try to get $1 bills in change! No I don’t want to stay and watch you throw money at my competition while I have to come up with plan B for whatever bill is due that week. By the way, you’re not special. They invite every party they do back to the club as VIP’s.
5. No one buys anything.
See #1-4 in case I haven’t made this clear yet. All we want to do is make the car payment, get our kids some groceries, and pay rent. At the very least we should be able to afford the gas to get to you and back. Is that too much to ask? Don’t book us if you’re not going to shop. Period.
6. You break the sex toys.
I don’t know how you plan to treat your sex toys at home, but please don’t throw mine, bang them on tables, sword fight with them, or treat them like a Bop-It. We may get a great discount, but it puts us in an awkward position when we’ve got a 3-party weekend and you break our most expensive show product on Friday night! This usually happens because…
7. You get stupid drunk.
Contrary to what you believe, more alcohol does not mean more fun, more sales, and does not make you funnier or a better dancer. When guests get drunk, they can’t make decisions, so they tend not to make a purchase. If they do make a purchase, they often attempt to cancel it the next day. This also leads to emotional outbursts because…
8. You hate each other.
You either get stupid drunk and fights break out or it’s all part of a very structured bachelorette party weekend full of one upmanship and eyerolling. You have the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, the lingerie shower, the couples brunch, the family brunch, me, the strippers, and drinking. Nobody wants to be in the wedding party because of all the drama, and the bride found the most expensive dresses she could find in a color that doesn’t exist in shoe dye! gasp for air Then a few girls are nice enough to go to the ordering room and vent to the rep why they can’t afford shit because of the cost of doing this, and does the rep know how much gas it cost to get to where they are? Yes. Yes we do. You’re broke. Get out of my ordering room. Oh, and these are also the ones that call in to their credit card companies with a chargeback on the bridal gift certificate when the bride pisses them off a month later. This accompanies…
She won’t buy anything herself because she expects her friends to, or to get enough rewards to cover it even though neither of you make an effort. OMG if she has to shell out tax and shipping & handling your rep is a monster! Meanwhile you promise to follow all the rules, communicate everything to her because you won’t let the rep talk to her, and do everything you’re asked. Instead, you tell the guests to buy lingerie from somewhere ELSE and bring it to the party, for her to open in front of the rep for an hour while everyone gets fantastically drunk.
10. You’re heteronormative, homophobic, sex-negative twits who don’t know your clitoris from your uvula.
You can’t stop giggling about the names of your drinks. She opens the lingerie from the other place right in front of us, because you have no class. You squeal “OMG you’re not going to use THAT are you?” and slut-shame one another during the presentation.
Again, don’t book us. Seriously.